Not dead, just braindead

I’m alive, and I know it’s been more than two weeks since I last wrote. A friend said recently that nothing’s worse than having a blog and not keeping up with it – and I wholly agree. But I simply haven’t had the brainpower to write much in the last few weeks.

Work is insane. I had a really vicious panic attack last Tuesday. I studied intensely hard for, then took an expensive, nebulous, comprehensive certification exam that may mean some kind of monetary acknowledgement from my employer (which would certainly make the panic attacks more worth it, right? …right.) – and hopefully, mobility. But that’s assuming I passed, and I hate to jinx these things. I’ll hear sometime in the next week or so.

Some friends came to visit from Indiana, and that was wonderful. We saw a really big black bear from less than 40 feet away. We rock climbed. We drove to the West Virginia border to watch the Camelopardalids meteor shower at 2 a.m. We ate Indian food and watched ducklings. It was a great visit, fantastic to see old friends – and way better for my mental health than delving deeply into a TV show.

I have zero mental energy to tackle the UCSB shootings. I have very, very strong feelings on the subject, and I’m too tired and yeah, kind of afraid to be publicly strident about it because I can’t deal with the fallout right now. When tragedy strikes, it provides us an important lens through which to examine our cultural inadequacies. For all of us, both men and women, to take a close look at what’s going wrong. It also allows us to lift up the rocks and examine the scum that have been living in remote corners of the internet, advocating for treating women like objects to be won, and tell them this shit will not fly. #YesAllWomen is important, and I’ve already argued my point into the ground with people I love re: the value of focused anger, forgiveness and divinity, and actually taking an opportunity to look at what women go through all the time. I’m angry, other people are angry, and we have every right to be. I don’t feel sympathy for anyone but the victims. There’s plenty of great reading out there about mental health (which frankly I don’t think should factor into this discussion at all – he committed a hate crime), gun control, masculinity, and pervasive misogyny. You don’t need to hear it from me.

There are three episodes of Mad Men to recap, and I’ll probably write one lengthy piece next week sometime. That is, assuming I am not drowning in spreadsheets and busywork. The next month is going to be tough, and even if I hear that I’ve passed the certification exam, I won’t really be able to take a break until July. I just don’t want to sacrifice my writing to my day-to-day employment. We’ll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

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